I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my shit smells like andre
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
