I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
