Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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