also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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