Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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