Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
