my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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