Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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