I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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