we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
