i already hear my dad disowning me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
