I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
is it fun? or sober?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
