Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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