Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
