The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
