walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I want a musical about memes.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
