I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
