i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
