Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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