She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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