get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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