Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
