woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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