mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
