I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
