capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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