I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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