FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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