my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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