I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
