Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
