i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
