The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
