If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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