the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
