I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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