Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
