office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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