I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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