I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
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He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
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As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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