I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
