dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
