I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
