I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
