I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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