Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So vagazzling was a success
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
