theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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