i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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