i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So vagazzling was a success
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
