Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
