drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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