I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
