Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
