What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Randomize
