On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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