I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
