Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize