i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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