god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize